Mental slog is DRAINING!

I haven't blogged in about 2 weeks. Partly because I've been busier at work, but mainly because my blogs are all the same lately...recognizing I'm not committing...questioning my recommitting...saying I'm recommitting...and then not really recommitting.

I got tired of typing it, and a bit embarrassed by the denial inherent in the posts.

So here we go, re-evaluating again.

I haven't been eating that well, and I've basically stopped exercising, so I guess I should be glad that my weight has been holding pretty steady.

I also probably should also give myself credit for basically maintaining for 8+ weeks. Normally, a couple of weeks of flat and I start giving up and gaining. While I've certainly made some bad choices, I have pretty consistently been careful about my breakfasts and lunches. I think that has made the difference. Normally, when I fall down, I fall down whole hog, like chocolate "muffins" for breakfast and a cheeseburger and fries for lunch. I haven't done that.

But I have that weird, down on myself syndrome, where I think I should be doing much better, and am disappointed in myself, so I don't fully re-engage.

Now that work has picked up, and with daylight savings turning it dark so early, I'm having a hard time finding the motivation in the evening to work out. I get home, nurse V, feed V and H, play w/H, and then try to put V down at 7:30 (more nursing) and Pat puts H down at 8 or 8:30. By then I just want to veg or relax, or I have laundry to do or make a batch of food for V, or roast some veggies, and we've also started to go to bed earlier.

So I'm not willing or in the mood to give 20 min to Jackie, although I know that if I do it, I enjoy it and realize it wasn't that much time.

I guess now I can more appreciate Jenna's amazement earlier on that I was going to try to lose weight with 2 small kids at home. I'm glad I stuck to it, because otherwise who knows where I'd be at now. And then it really wasn't so bad. It is definitely getting harder now that work is busier and V eats food and nurses.

I'm doing my best to reincorporate more veggies and fruits and yogurt into my diet, and will keep on trucking. Still haven't had that "mourning period" over the whole life change aspect of it, I suppose, because part of me is waiting for when I can just eat a brownie or a giant plate of pancakes eggs and bacon and not worry about it (although I don't really crave those portions of breakfast, and still feel full sooner than in the past).

Anyway, blah blah blah pity party. Right now diet is the only part I am really willing to focus on, so I need to recognize that is OK and adjust my expectations to a "maintain/very slow loss" mentality.